where i seem to stand... [June 30, 2008 @ 5:07pm] [ mood | depressed ] my life is changing so fast and is basically slipping out from under me. i feel like at my age i should have more control over what i do and where i stand in my life then i do at this point. i am frustrated, sad, lonely, pissed...i just want to be happy. right now i am in north carolina where i have to live the rest of summer because my mom and my step dad cannot handle me and my choices anymore. i had to leave my friends, my boyfriend, my jobs all because they think im too much to handle. okay first off im not even a bad kid? like okay i lie and i dont listen but who the fuck does when they are a teenager? i wont stop smoking so i get kicked out? OKAY um my mom smokes? im 17 and half? like get over it... idfk i feel like i was finally happy with where i was and the people i have and the love i found and its being wripped away from me. its not fucking fair. yeah technically i put myself here, i lied i didnt listen didnt follow the rules whatever like okay my choices put me here but holy shit its not like im snorting coke in the bathroom or anything. i smoke cigarettes? like what the fuck, ugh. i just want my boyfriend and my friends and to be home the last summer before im a senior. im irritated and depressed and i just wanna go home. if i lose my boyfriend over this, there will be hell to pay. okay anyways iunno what else to say. Comment

[July 19, 2007 @ 2:19pm] [ mood | crappy ] hm. i'm home now. i wish i was still in north carolina. nothing is going rite. i hate this shit. today sucks really bad. its nasty out and i feel like no one cares!! woot. for not caring. last night at work was nice i love the people i work with. i just hate bitchy customers who throw their change on the counter cause they think that being a bitch to the people give you your fucking ice cream is cool. i hate people. i hate everyone today actually. i wish i was still sleeping. later i have to do yardwork with my step dad. that is just gonna be the cherry on a horrible day. CAN'T WAIT! haha. okay i'm done bitching. bye. Read (1) Comment

[July 11, 2007 @ 11:56pm] lala its been a couple days. haha. a couple weird and eventful days. which I'm probably not going to go into detail sorry? but today i went white water rafting it was fucking awesome. the raft flipped in the currents once but it was cool. even though we all almost drown. hahah. we had to wear these wrist band things and i have a tan mark from it. thats sad, damn sad. tomorrow i might be going to wet n' wild. if were lucky. recent events today my stop that from happening but who knows. one can dream right? tomorrow is my last day here in north Carolina I'm glad to go home but still it was a fun vacation you know? i just really miss my boyfriend and friends. which is understandable i think. I'm not too excited to go back to work though. like i really do not mind my job. i actually love it. i just i don't know its nice being off. hahah. Friday we drive back up to Pennsylvania and were going to my grams. then Sunday morning i go home. i hope i get to see Ethan on Saturday. i miss him sooooooooo much. like this trip is killing me. just like i said it would hahah. i wonder if he misses me too. haha. things are good. i just felt shitty yesterday but today was okay despite a couple things. well I'm off. peace.<3 Read (2) Comment

[July 09, 2007 @ 2:07am] [ mood | sad ] [ music | fuck me in the asshole music. ] i feel like crap today. i feel empty, sad and sick. why can't everyday be at least a little bit better for me? this is really getting old. i know i sound dumb but i don't know i just yeah. i want my boyfriend. it sucks that he would rather be alone. i'm feeling a little crazy today. well tonight, actually this morning. i could really use a cigarette too bad i don't have any left. thats basically my life in a nut shell. always wanting something that is already gone or what cant be had. its ridiculous rahh. punch me in the face. i want to feel something! this is way too depressing. hahahah. safwyhfgjdgjzdggjg deal with it. this is my journal to vent on and be sad on. no one reads it anyways. ha ha. i am going to read. books are amazing. and even though it is 2:22 in the fucking morning i am going to read and keep reading until i cant keep my damn eyes open anymore. fucking goodnight. Comment

[July 02, 2007 @ 11:19pm] today just isn't my day. nothing seems to go right anymore. and like i said i would I'm already tweaking about no being able to see Ethan. god i love him. but anyways. today sucked. i woke up and things were good. i was feeling good. but some how the day slowly started to turn around and got horrible. like i was taking a shower and somehow I'm still not too sure how but somehow i hit the water thing and i ended up burning the fuck out of my self. that was exciting! then i could barely finish my shower because any type of water on my burnt skin hurt like a bitch, but i sucked it up like i do with most things in my life and i finished my shower. i somehow fell asleep after i dried my hair and stuff like it was weird but anyways i guess that was nice. when my dad and kelly came home. we went out to eat. it made me sick. i almost puked. and what not. when i got home my dad and me and jake and my step mom were all in the computer room and me and jake were on the bed kelly was on the chair and my dad on the floor next to her. well i fell off the bed and i guess i must have knocked into the chair and my dad freaked the fuck out. i got mad and walked away and the next thing i knew i was crying. gayyy. then other shit happened and i just feel like crap. idk im out peace. Comment

[July 02, 2007 @ 1:50am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | divinyls ] hi there. its been awhile. things have changed a great deal since the last time i updated this lovely thing. its July now as you can see and its been a couple months. me and Ethan are still going strong :] 5 months on the 9th. i love him so much. things are really great right now. the last 2 weeks have been especially incredible. he makes me so damn happy. its crazy. I'm a little down today though because now i am in North Carolina visiting my dad and i cannot see him for 2 weeks and its killing my already. by the end of the 2 weeks I'm going to be an emotional wreck. its honestly going to be the longest two weeks of my life. but i know i am going to have fun, i always do. i wish he could have came with me or something. :] i don't have too much to say and I'm really tired so ill update this thing tomorrow and what not. peace<3 Comment

story i wrote chris a long time ago. haha [May 10, 2007 @ 5:07pm] So one day this hammmer decided to nail this one piece of wood on the front lawn. they made litttle birdy house babies.LMFAO. whatt tthe shit is wrong with meee. okie but bacak to the storyy so this hammmeeerr decided the next day to retire because the pounding was too rough for him to contiinue doing for the rest his life. this hammers name was Hammy by the way YES HAMMY THE HAMMER. okayy. yeah so im not very creative...so what, lolz anyways.Hammy decided to to a little hammmer hop around the neighborhood one day. he ran into Nancy the Noodle. (pool noodle) she was having a mid life crisis. her owners decided to drain their pool and she was finding herself pointless in life. little did she know that Hammy had a solution to her problem. ROFL, im weird ANYWAYSSSSSS. haha. Hammy had told her of Peter the Pool down the street who's purpose was to hold the youngins as they did the elementary backstroke (pretty amazing if you ask me.) and that he over heard the kiddos saying how they wish they haad pool noodles. so Hammy carried Nancy down the road to Peters home. where he let her float away into the sunset or sometihng like that. Hammys next stop was into the woods where he ran into Hank the Turkey. it was getting close to turkey season and Hank needed Hammy's help to escape from the hunters. so Hammy told Hank he could hide out in his bedroom in the closet. so they went back to Hammy's home and went into the garage and into the tooool box. the only problem was that Hank didnt fit. the next day he was found by Hammys users and they made turkey burgers listening to kill the turkey by Gregory and the Hawk. lollllll. Hammy slowly went into a depression and eventually hung himself on the wall. THE END. Comment

[April 13, 2007 @ 2:52pm] [ mood | cold ] bleh. its friday and i'm in english. i just finished this stupid Shakespeare thing. gayyy. but lalala. tonight should be fun even though its completely ugly outside. i hate this weather so much its april not like november with all the rain and snow and cold temperatures. its really lame. but oh well. :/ i suppose. erm. the last couple of days have been chill. yesterday kevin came over and we watched The Devils Rejects. haha so far its good but we need to finish it this weekend cause he had to go to a soccer game thingy. :[ darn. haha. tomorrow night is most likely going to suck though. and i hate when saturday nights suck. its the worst thing in the world. lala. sdfghjh makes me wanna punch a baby. hahah. my mom gets mad when i say that? oh well. anyways. this is just a update so i guess i'll go. peace and love. <33 Comment

[April 05, 2007 @ 7:29pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Kansas ] wow i havent updated this in forever! there is so much to say but i never feel like it. i'm barely ever on the computer anymore. and i'm pretty content with my life i guess. i have an amazing boyfriend who i like so damn much. :] today was a half day at school for "spring break" ha. its freaking snowing? its bullshit. i guess the weather isnt aware that it is now april. so this is uncalled for. haha. but whatever. um. i went to ethan's with victoria, paul, andy and tim. then we went to victoria's for a little bit and walked to west view in the fucking freezing cold to eat at KFC. haha yay? but i was sad cause Ethan had to leave to go to work untill close. that's life though i guess. but me and victoria, paul and andy went  back to victoria's to watch a movie. and i fell asleep on the couch. i am so beat lately. like i honestly can never fall asleep at a good time anymore. its driving me insanee. when i got home at like 5? i watched Little Nicky with my brother. he really didnt want to but i forced him i'm such a nice sister :p i enjoy Kansas. a lot. hahah. i'm lame i guess. rah rahhh. i have NOTHING TO SAY BUT I'M SO DAMN BORED. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... thats a rad picture<3 bleh well i'm out. paix et amour<3 Comment

[December 22, 2006 @ 9:45pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | pink floyd ] bleh its friday night and i'm at home, how lame. haha. today was a half day and a pretty interesting one at that, and no i do not mean good interesting. but more about that later. so since last time i updated i've had a pretty gay week. monday was rather chill nothing really big happened, that i can remember at least. then tuesday was alright, dennis came over later in the evening and we went to northway mall to go to borders and i saw mr. franks my english teacher lurking amongst the cd shelfs. ahaha. he wasnt creepin but i ran up to him and i think suprised him a little. but i bought a cd while i was in borders, i got cky. which is gone now. fuckers at school. anyways. i had a splendid evening with dennis, we went to visit kayci at the air brush store and yeahh. we got pizza too. lala. um wednesday i wore tie-dye to school hahah. i was happy. and later that evening i went to the chorus concert- LAME. haha i hate christmas gingles especially coming from untalented youngsters. but anyways there were these two ladies standing behind us like against the wall and they wouldnt stop talking and laughing while the untalented youngsters were singing their unamusing christmas tunes. haha. i was ready to turn around and be like SHUT UP. but its "disrespectful" hahah. fuck that. but anyways i went home and watched everwood. =] i love that show i watch it every night!<33 woo. haha. after that was over dennis called. and i talked to that beaut for a while. ahah. thursday SUCKED. i hate fucking kids in north hills, honestly. HATE. my day was going rather shitty, people were pissing me off. and i was horribly tired. then going to get my stuff for social studies/ home. i realized that sometihng wasnt right in my locker, WELLL. someone went into my locker, opened my bookbag and stole my cd player with MY BRAND NEW CD IN IT. i started crying, you see this is the second time in the last month this has happened. they people are lucky they didnt take my pink floyd cd's HEADS WOULD HAVE ROLLED. hhaha. but on my break from world history. i went upstairs and finally put the lock on my locker. it was long over due. i was going to after the mp3 player was stolen but i said to my self  "who the fuck is gonna steal a cd player from me, no one wants cd players anymore that was like 2002." apperantly i was wrong. haha. as if it couldnt get any worse we had to do some gay shit on china imperialism in World history. i was not amused. anyways the day only got worse from there. i had to sit on the bus with no music because people are assholes :D also when i got home i had a shit load of laundry to do. and i made a relationship mistake. i told dennis he could stop by after he was done at the mall with zack, cause i wanted to see him, i really do like him but i dont think he believes me. but i do feel myself pushing him away. but then after telling him he could come over. i called again and told him i didnt want him to anymore because i wanted to get a shower and lay down. which really was the truth but i think it hurt him and pissed him off. i felt so bad. but i went to bed and stuff. then today was alright except in french SOME PEOPLE make me want to punch a baby they are sooooo annoying. rahhh. we were playing intense fly swatter. hahah. which is funnn. but not when people scream their heads off with their annoying glass cuttable voices. :]]]] anyways then in journalism i had to finish these papers and i sat giggling with ronald and tessa<3 my favorite journalism buddies<3 woo. then in english i earned about 6 participation points. haha. a lot more than i ever do in one day. haha. after our half day at school was over i sat with kevin on the bus talking to him, i got off the bus it was raining and my MOMMY was at the bus stop in her car waiting for me and my sister :] i was thrilled!! then we went to red lobster and everything was going good untill i mentioned my cd player getting stolen and she didnt wanna go see the movie anymore cause she was mad at me. :[ but i got home and watched the omen. called dennis and sat around being lame. talked to stefanie and then watched music videos and here i am. haha. i hope tomorrow goes well. and i hope everyone has a good christmas vacation<333 Comment

[December 17, 2006 @ 5:40pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | from autumn to ashes. ] i'm really tired today. the last two nights were pretty good. friday i went and walked around west view with stefanie, ali, victoria, paul, tim, andy, ethan & sam m. we walked all over the place and for once i didnt mind the walk. it was so nice out. no too cold and not warm i was comfortable in my hoodie and jeans and the christmas lights made me so happy me and victoria spotted out the lights we liked and stopped to look for a while. we took a hike of sorts into the woods and looked for bambi hahaha. we sat down and talked about things i guess. it was really nice i love being with the people i love and who love me too. i'd die without my friends. then we continued our "hike" and some how ended up in the school parking lot. from there we went to victorias house and listen to music and chilled. andy, stefanie and myself layed and the couch and almost fell asleep. it was so like peaceful and quiet and the victoria's fire place was on. i was content. it was awesome. then yesterday was kinda boring and i was in a pretty bad mood. i went to northway mall to vist kayci at work but didnt stay to long because her boss gives me the heebeejeebees. ahaha. but when i got home i went on here for a little bit which was nice since i'm barely ever on anymore. but oh well. then i went to ross park mall with dennis and zack. angela didnt come, she wasnt feeling well. that was a bummer. but i had soo much fun. i was being a creep and they were laughing at me, they are both pretty sweet boys. and i like dennis a lot. :]  i got to visit kayci again because she also works at aeropostale so we stopped in there and dennis bought himself a hoodie cause 1. he needed one and 2. was apparently cold..hahah. bleh then i got home and watched some Everest show haha. it was kool i guess this man Tim who was a biker and who everyone thought wouldnt make it as far as he already had because he had something wrong with his back or something wouldnt turn around because he was so close to the summit but he didnt have enough time or oxygen to make it there and back alive. i'm still not sure what he is going to do yet, save his life by letting go of his dream or risk his life to persue it. tough decision. but the mountian is always there next year. after that i went into my room and snuggled into my bed and called dennis. and talk to him about random things and i really enjoyed it. he was so tired but he stayed on the phone to talk to me instead. it was cute :] but finally i gave up and hung up with so he could sleep. this morning i woke up at 10:45 which shocked me. haha i usually cannot sleep that late. im so tired. i spent today cleaning and reading. its not that bad but im currently doing my social studies homework for some strange reason i want to do really bad. but thats whats new i'll update later on in the week. peace out.<33 * edit- i forgot to mention the bad things that happened today. i was folding a hoodie and i some how managed to slice my pointer finger on a door frame. i had to like pick the wood pieces out of my finger. ouchh. i also burnt my thumb lighting a candle and the freaking laundry sink over flowed and i had to wipe it all up and almost got the shock of my life because there was like a pile of wires sitting in the puddle of water. i was scared. haha. but i'm currently done with all my homework, bored and waiting for either stefanie or dennis to call me. hahah. goodddnighttt<3 A Lie will always defeat the truth. Weight leaves in anger from my shoulders. Words of wisdom cursh hope. What is real? I thought I knew. How could I lie to someone, I cared for? How could you lie to me, your words pierced me. The tremble of your soul injects fear into my heart. I will stand alone. This gentle mind, the one inside me will never hurt you. Actions speak louder than words will ever. So I will show you my sincerety in the shape of my still beating heart   Comment

rahh rahhh [December 14, 2006 @ 8:12pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | pink floyd ] i havent really updated lately. but i figured i'd give a recap of life lately. i'm pretty good, i would say. im doing alright in school. the weather is rather lame though. and i have a boyfriend whom i like a good amount. i just kinda miss a lot of things lately and i find my self pondering the what if's haha. but im trying to stop that because the right now is what matters. you know whats weird, there will never be another december 14, 2006 ever again. there will never be this moment again. and if you stop to long to think about things the moment passes you by so fast that in a blinking moment you have dust in your face. its weird how these things happen. its weird how no matter how much of something you have you never appriciate it, or even find it the least bit enduring untill its completely gone, never to return. i'm learning more and more about God's sick humor each day. how the most beautiful things in life have the most poisenous bite. haha. its like spending so much money on your kids christmas gifts to later find them playing spaceship with the boxes they came in.  today was an okay day, not a total flop but not a very productive day either. i found french class enjoyable for once though. it kinda suprised me and then in journalism i wrote a column on technology and " Choices- are they worth the headache?" hahah. english was boring. Mr. Franks was his dry sense of humor self and i laughed. then health was alright and so was lunch and gym. social studies sucked. i bombed our test on nationalism. sorry but i just cant get 2 shits about stupid Italy and Germany and their coming together as their own nations. its bullshit.  lately i feel peaceful. not really mad/ sad or even happy. its like emotionless. i kinda like it. some weird things are happening too, like i'm actually starting to care about getting my homework done and i dont want to be touched more than usual. and my hands shake. like a drug addict. hahah. its so strange. but oh well, what can you do. my mom thinks it might be i'm not eating enough sugars, but i havent changed the way i eat at all. so i doubt thats what it is.  tomorrow i am probably going to hang out with ali, victoria, paul, ethan, tim, andy, and possibly kevin, sam m. and stefanie. i'm excited i suppose. it's nice to get out on fridays and be with the people you care about. then on saturday i guess i'm going over dennis's house with zack and angela, i'm pumped... alright well. this is all for now, hope everything is well with you. :] Dragging on so lonely, aren't you tired baby? Breathing life into your lungs are you immune to me? Read (2) Comment

[August 09, 2006 @ 9:29am] [ mood | tired ] gahh i havent updated in a while but its because i reallly haave nothngg to say.. like lately i've been really bored. but sdfgh okie. fridaay i went to Ross  Park mall with stefanie and we walaked around for about an hour she got 2 shirts. and this one shirt that is had  like  made for stefaanie weigand allllllllll over itt!! this shirt saidd.... GAG ME WITH A SPOON. lmfao. yep thats stefanies shirt alrigtht! bahhaha.  anyways. we walked down to Eat n' park and got dinner and waht not. and on the way out  we got smile cookies. yyyyyyehh! i love those coookies w/ all my life. lolll. but anyways after we were done eating we went outside and sat against the walll and talked it was nice. then we walked up to Toys R us and we walked around and took silly pictures.  hahaha. fun timess.<3 after that we waalked back up to the mall for about aa half an hour and then my step dad came and got us. it  was a good night but another one wont happen for like 2 weeks at the least because she is leaving on vacation on friday and gahhh asdfghj. okieee.  saturday sucked. talk about helllllll. i was suppost to go to this fair  thingy with chris & kayla. and i was   excited because i misssed chris  you know and like i wanted to meet kayla, but yeah. the  guys just had to put the cement down and distrupt our whole day.sdfgh i was prettty upset  but i got over it and then sunday wwas just as bad. i mean jefff was suppost to leave for a weeek o n sunday but decided not to leaave untill monday. oh well i guess. monday BLEW. i was soo  bored. talk to chris off and on ,on the phone. it was koool welll  prettty much like everyother day you know. but gahh okie. welll. yesterday was a good day. i was pretty much happy alll day. and i started   conseluing again. which is goood :] andd. erm yeahhh. i laughed alot and stufff !!!! wooooott.  asdfghj  kbyeee. Comment

[August 05, 2006 @ 11:40am] [ mood | tired ] I'm looking at the sunset wondering, "So what?" The tin man's got nothing on me Heart, I hope you wake up soon. Read (2) Comment

[August 03, 2006 @ 12:32pm] [ mood | cold ] my stomach hurts. lol.  i feel like puking and today sucks but i do this to myself. haha. im  done hurting you and making you feel like shit and i never lied when i told you i love you. Read (1) Comment

i fucking love you.and i want to scream it at the top of my lungs on top of the highest building [August 02, 2006 @ 5:09pm] [ mood | content ] i  feel kind of sick today but im not going to let it bring me down. i miss a lot of things lately and i  feel empty like i need something else in my life then what i already have or something. i don't know. yesterday was interesting i guess kind of boring and slow but i watched this movie called Domino with Kiera Knightly. i really liked it even though my sister said it was dumb and fell asleep half way through the movie. oh well. tonight i am going to the movie with Ali and we are going to see Little Man. :] im happpy i get to see her.   uhm friday i believe im hanging out with Stefanie. and Saturday i might be going to this festival of sorts with Chris and  maybe Kayla. im pretty excited :D Read (2) Comment

[July 30, 2006 @ 7:24pm] [ mood | calm ] dfghj hiiie:] todayy is sunday it started off horrible i was upset  and then my step dad kept yelling at me i got a cut on my knee taking out the garbage and wasnt  allowed on the computer for half the day. :[  i miss yesterday which if you dont know what i did it was amazingggg.<3 i hung  out with chris allllllllll dayyy :]]]  went to both robinson mall and ross park malll!!!  we walked down to eat n park from ross and i got a SMILE COOKIE :D then we walked from eat n park back to my house,  where we came across a birdy who was dying. :[ we walked away depressed. it was soo sad. then we went inside and started watching the hills have eyes and my mom was like  KEEP THE DOOR OPEN!!!  then we were laughing so hard  because i love making fun of scary movies and chris being chris  he laughed at the jokes. hahahha :] we were laughing so hard  that my step dad was like SHUT THE DOORR!!! hahaha i was  like whoaaaaaaaaa. hahaha there was a lot of killing and stuff in that movie. it was a shame. i liked the family....have you ever seeen a bird  have its head bitten off then its blood drank like it was a shot of  whiskey or sometihng. hahaha I HAVE. my life is now complete yesssssss. lmaaaaooooo. sdfghjk yeah so this was really cuteeee  but chris accidentally hurt my noseyy some how and i was like  "baahha oouchhh myy nosee!" and he was like soooooorrrryy  and he kissed it :] it was so cute. awhhhhhhhhhh he makes  me sooo happyyy!! well anyways it was almost the end and  after like 3 times  of telling his gram he wasnt ready to go yet  she finally put her foot down and was liikee im turning onto her street right  now. i was rull sad i didnt want him to go :[  i had a great day yesterday and even though today started  kinda shittty it wasnt so bad either except i couldnt go to see sam because we had to get ready for the addition people. :/ but i watched wolf creek which was kinda fucked up and not even scaryy or anything.  it was  kinda dumb actually but oh well it was sometihng to do!! k well talk to you later<3 And I wonder When I sing along with you If everything could ever feel this real forever If anything could ever be this good again Read (2) Comment

You have my heart, I'm waiting, waiting, waiting to have yours. [July 27, 2006 @ 7:20pm] [ mood | jubilant ] [ music | fear ] i knew today was going to suck. :[ but then i listened to amazing music and remembered that i have an amazing  person to live for and i started smiliinggg :] Comment

[July 26, 2006 @ 8:05pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | fear before the march of flames. ] you know. today i am happy. it was a good day. and i feeel like im explodingg with an amazing feeeling. :] and i really like fear before the march of flames! hahah. i'm kinda amazed with life today. i love stuff. losdfghjhk <33 YESSS. :]  ily, saturdayyyy<33333 Comment

beeep. [July 25, 2006 @ 6:45pm] [ mood | numb ] [ music | as blood runs black ] today is going by so slow. i have like no one to talk to. its so boring. i'm real lonely. :[ i miss chris. bleh. he is at a friends birthday party suckks. and thursday is gonna suck too! i'll like die. bleh today i was eating mac&cheese and got a random phone call it was tyler he showed up at my house with his cousin and his friend shawn. it was coool i guess. i really miss hanging out with tyler all the time. we use to be such good friends, it makes me sad. i feeel really numb today like i have nothing to really live for anymore, like i'm purposeless. and its really bringing me down. i miss everything and how it use to be. and its taking a lot out of me. i am thinking i really neeed to listen to someone soon and help before i break. so if sometihng is bothering you.BY ALL MEANS, tell me because im all ears and live to help and listen to people. :]] Read (2) Comment

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